Mental Messes of Marriage & Divorce

How do you cope with the mental stress of growing old with the one you love? I would appreciate any comments that you might have. I know how hard it is to love someone you can't have.
I have tried marriage several times. I have also succeeded in zero of them. Do I know why? Yes, I do. Does it really matter now? Yes, it does, and I'll explain why. It's a mental mess in trying to keep your future happy and stable.
The men I married seemed to have put my happiness last on their list after saying "I do." At least this is how I feel. I'm sure they feel differently about it though. Trying to be a successful woman did not help matters any either. I didn't want to be just a mom and wife. It's like trying to fight to just be a human being. I sat by patiently raising children, catering to the husband, and watching my life go by.
Then you begin to question your survival and what it means. Thoughts go bouncing around in your head like fireflies swarming through a forest. Is marriage suppose to be this much pain? I'm sure at some point it is, but not all the time. By that I simply mean that there are always hardships that come along. Your suppose to talk things through and support each other.
The one true love of my life turned out to be the worst in marriage. Mr. Charles Pena is my soulmate, but obviously can't be my life long partner until I die. I truly miss him and all the good things I remember about what "could have been". Drugs and alcohol took away all the pain that one could endure. I don't miss having those memories, but I do miss him!
Then there's deciding to give up the pain for more pain and heartache. The dreaded divorce. Mean, angry, back-stabbing, spiteful things start to take place. An unhappy marriage seems like a walk in the park now. Boxes of tissues are spread everywhere you are and you feel as though death just hit you while your still walking.
Some people turn to counseling. Some can't take the pain and return to the marriage. Often people pray for guidance in God. Yes, some turn to drugs. I tried all of them. Look! I'm here and successful now.
Every day I think about how successful WE would be if we could have made it work together. As I am 40 now, I see things differently. I went from the curb to a homeowner, hauling three beautiful children. Was it worth it? Yes, at least in the sense of being a real person. I set an example for all who go through a divorce.
Do I want to be friends with my ex's? It would be great if I could. Some still live in the past. Jealousy, spite, anger, and revenge still boil in their blood even years later. No matter how you try to prove what they think just should be, if they hate you, they hate you.
Ten years later, one even thinks I stole court papers right out of the court house! Funny, but true. Divorce is a terrible thing to have in your memory banks. Everyone handles them differently. For all the people who have endured this challenge in life, you have my heart felt congratulations!
If you are in a beautiful marriage, I envy you and wish you happiness throughout it's success.

Teresa
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Memories...

Wondering about the past is a deadly enemy. At least with the future you can change the path you are on. I just wish someone could invent something to erase the thoughts that delay your present status.

Sometimes I find myself daydreaming. Ya know, wishing for what could have been. It's quite irritating if you ask me. Since I have so many children it's not like I have much time to think. I just think about I can't have any more children. This is probably the main reason I have so many self-adopted.

I often think about where my ex and I would be if we had one. Our did not make it. I think it would have made a huge difference. People say it would have made the divorce worse. I say there would be no divorce. Both of us were determined single parents when we met.

Needless to say, he still thinks his way and I still think mine. I still like to talk and he still likes to...well...whatever. I miss certain qualities that he had. I can't find them in anyone else. You have a tendency to look too hard sometimes ya know?

I moved away so I could get re-focused after we were divorced. That was many years ago. It was the best decision I have ever made. There was no one to please but myself. I didn't have to keep up with some long, drawn out scheme to impress anyone anymore. Sometimes you just have to pack up and move. You always dream of the person you love loving you back.

There's nothing worse than humiliation, except ego. Sometimes peoples ego just shut out other people. They forget the little things in life that make other people happy. I just need to walk holding hands. I guess I will continue to look for someone who likes the same. There is no expectations, just free will of putting your hand in mine.

When you raise someone else's children for many years, the memories will continue to haunt you for a very long time. It is such a shame that the world is such an angry place. The law doesn't care how much you love children. The only thing they care about is if you are biological or not. If the parents cared, the children will still love each other.

These are hard lessons learn from life's experiences! The hardest part is believing that you will find someone who loves ALL of you. Some only succeed in this when they have found life in the heavens.

I continue to seach for a place to drop my memories off. There is a crater somewhere that can hold them.